A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
