My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
