i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize