My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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