Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
