he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
