I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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