I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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