Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
