Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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