she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize