I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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