When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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