I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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