The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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