There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
