I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
