Pants 0. Shit 1.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
