Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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