Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
