I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
