I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
