Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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