My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
