We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
