i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
