I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
