I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
