I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
