Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
