ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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