I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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