i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
