i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
