Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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