I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
