Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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