all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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