I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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