whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he thought i was a dude.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
