Plan B is the new Plan A
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
