Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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