Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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