I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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