There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
