I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
