hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
