I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
