1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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