So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
