so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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