You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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