I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
