Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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