He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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