the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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