I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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