have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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