I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
