my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
