i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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