Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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