i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
