i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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